“Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.”
–Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Having a continued connection to your former or soon-to-be former partner is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges to overcome. Navigating this new relationship dynamic after a separation naturally comes with strong feelings, the need for healthy boundaries, and patience. If you have children together, you will most likely be required to communicate with each other on an ongoing basis about your child(ren), especially under a joint legal custody arrangement. Communicating effectively with your co parent can be extremely difficult when dealing with high-conflict people or high-conflict cases.
Some key points to remember:
- Just because one parent says it, it doesn’t make it true.
- Your initial reaction might be to set the other parent straight and defend yourself – take a deep breath, count to ten, and calm yourself before responding to the other parent. You do not need to engage in messages that are not pertinent to the co parenting of your children.
- Unless there is a dire emergency, do not feel that you need to respond immediately. Take some time to compose your response, or sit on it overnight before sending. This ensures your response is sent when you have a clear and calm perspective.
- Our Family Wizard or other communication websites/apps are a helpful tool for sharing information with the other parent.
- Respond with the mindset that the Judge, attorneys, or other professionals involved in your case may read your message. Hostile communications can impact the outcome of your case.
- Keep your communications short and to the point. Focus on the topic at hand and not past issues.
One of the most effective methods of communicating for co-parents is the BIFF method developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., co-founder of the High Conflict Institute.
BIFF Method for Co-Parenting
The BIFF method is a communication strategy that keeps your messages short and to the point (Brief), focused on facts instead of feelings (Informative), respectful in tone (Friendly), and clear about boundaries or decisions (Firm). The goal is to keep communications calm, clear, and productive between co-parents, especially when emotions are high and a simple conversation can easily lead to arguing.
This approach reduces misunderstandings and prevents arguments before they start, giving the other parent nothing to attack, saving time, lowering stress, and maintaining set boundaries and structure. Most importantly, this method protects your children from the stress of parental conflict and creates a more peaceful environment where kids feel safe and learn healthy communication skills and relationship dynamics.
Rule #1 is always to ask: “Do I need to reply to this at all?”
Read the email or text with a critical eye: Is there anything that really requires a reply? (A deadline, an appointment, a PTA conference, a needed decision). Look for valid matters and ignore the barbs. A decision on an appointment time is valid. An accusation that you never communicate is invalid. Asking what time to pick up a child is valid. Saying everybody is mad at you/blaming you is not valid. Additionally, a decision needed for a concrete issue is only valid if it’s new. Further demands to discuss the same matter are not valid and need no reply, or a shorter version- one time – of what you said last time. Do not take the bait when the next re-worded email with the same demand comes along.
Following the BIFF Method When Replying
- Brief: Keep it brief. Long, defensive or angry explanations trigger upsets and do not benefit high-conflict persons or high-conflict situations.
- Informative: Focus on straight and important information about your kids, not arguments, opinions, emotions or defending yourself (you do not need to).
- Friendly: Have a friendly greeting (such as “Thanks for responding to my request”); close with a friendly comment (such as “Have a good weekend”).
- Firm: Have your response end the conversation. Alternatively, give two choices on an issue and ask for a reply by a certain date.
The Three A’s to Avoid
- Advice. Are you making suggestions to the other parent on what to do, how to behave, or how to feel? If so, you can expect a defensive reaction and more emails or texts. It’s better to avoid unsolicited advice such as “You just need to do X.” Make a proposal instead.
- Admonishments. Telling a defensive or upset person what they did wrong and how to fix it will just make them more defensive and can escalate the conversation to arguing. Things like “You’re overreacting” or “You should be ashamed” are not going to help them hear you or solve any problems.
- Apologies. Most of us apologize sometimes, but it can easily backfire. It is okay to apologize if you’ve made a mistake. “Sorry I was late” is okay as a social nicety. “I’m sorry my email upset you” is accepting responsibility for the other person’s emotions. It can be taken as an admission of guilt, which a high conflict person can use against you to place blame and defend their actions.
BIFF Response Examples For Co-parents
Sharing joint legal custody means interactions about your children are regular and necessary. The examples below exemplify how to apply the BIFF method to common co-parenting communication scenarios. Use them as a guide to transform your communications with the other parent, reduce conflict, and bring clarity, control and cooperation back into your interactions.
Scenario 1: Last-minute Schedule Change Request
Response: “Hi [Co-parent’s Name]. Thanks for letting me know. I’ve reviewed my schedule, and I can’t accommodate that change on such short notice. The original plan for [day] pickup still works for me. As an alternative solution, I can make this adjustment: [input as appropriate].”
Scenario 2: A Question Intended to Start a Discussion
Response: “Hello [Co-parent’s Name]. To answer your question, the kids’ doctor’s appointment [or any other situation] is confirmed for Tuesday at 10 AM. I will let you know what the doctor says afterward and we can discuss next steps then. Have a nice weekend.”
In closing, practice, practice, practice! This stuff is not easy and it will take time and practice for BIFF responses to become second nature. Ask your attorney for help in reviewing and editing a response before you send it if you are unsure of yourself. Once you master this technique it will become second nature and you might find yourself implementing it in other situations, such as work or family communications.
Raesha de Ruiter Zylker, Paralegal, Terry & deGraauw, P.C.
